Welcome

N is visiting me in 8 days. I feel so happy and nervous and weird and grateful and overwhelmed and HOPEFUL for myself and my life. My love will be in my arms for the first time ever. I can touch his face, hold his hands, kiss him. I just feel so grateful. We get to go on dates and grocery shop and fall asleep together. He makes me want to make art. I feel like after years of hell i finally get to have somethign thats just mine. He bought me a binder, and has been calling me his boyfriend. Everything was worth the wait. Hes mine forever now :)

N and I are dating :) I'm very happy with it. He's happier now, and I feel just so grateful and proud of both of us. He booked a plane ticket to visit me for two weeks at the start of next month (sept. 2025). I'm nervous but excited. 10 years of knowing this wonderful human and we are only just now meeting in person. Funny how these things work, huh?
I have been dealing with some difficult stuff, family wise. I've realised going no contact with my mother will have to happen sooner rather than later. N has offered to help w the financial side of things, which I don't even have words for how grateful I am for that. While he's visiting, we're sortof test running him living with me, and hes offered to move here if I like it. I feel so bittersweet, mostly sweet tho.
I've also realised im more transmasc than I thought. I keep thinking about going on T, like this little itch that keeps on popping up over the years. I cut my hair short and have been going by he/they socially, and I feel less dissociative day to day having confronted that.

Oh LORT. update!! So L sucks, whats new. He and I have talked more and the rose tinted glasses of nostalgia are done. S stayed with me to be in town for 5 days. It was alright. It was nice having someone around, I enjoyed hanging out. We talked about some serious stuff and it was nice to help a friend process things. We talked about me smoking cigs bc I tried not to while he was there, but he saw at some point bc he came home early from a hangout. I think him and I just will not be on the same page about that, which I am okay with.
I'm talking w N again, bc of course I am. We had a very intense conversation last night where I got some answers (and a real geniune apology) for past stuff. I feel like a part of me has geniunely healed. Its a weird feeling, I didn't think I would ever get that sense of closure on those issues.
update from the previous entry!! V is awesome, we're friends now. we smoked and talked and he has very similar mental health history to me. We went to a crystal shop the other day, which was awesome. He's struggling w some stuff pretty bad, so I did my normal thing of getting him a treat for next time we hang out so he has something small to look forward to!! yippeee!! I got him a KHAOTIC monster, which he mentioned in passing was a fav that was hard to find. Lets go.

I have talked more w L recently!! its been great. Things are slow going, he doesn't respond super often, but when we do talk its very healing. he gives good advice now, like really helpful. [REDACTED] invited me to journal about it (as someone who also [REDACTED]). He told me to ask "why this person? why now?" which has already helped a lot. I met S in person. [REDACTED]!! but i talked w him about it, journaled, talked w L about it. overall i feel pretty okay about it. S left to go home after a week of hanging out and im still bummed a few days later. But he'll be back eventually, im sure. Or ill visit there one day. Hes a good friend. Im glad i have such good friends now. Im meeting up w V soon, not sure if we'll click. Im being a little risky w it, we dont know eachother very well so a one on one hangout feels a little scary. But they seem cool. Will update later! or not, if i get kidnapped /j.

I keep listing to shitty songs!! like this one : [link] and just feeling weird shit!!!
I was reconnecting with L. (coded of course, I do have a bad habit of sending ppl projects like this forgetting i've mentioned them! LOL. ). its been weird. Broke up w W. (also coded) very recently. like it was two or three days ago I think. And L hasn't really talked to me since I told him. Hope he knows [REDACTED] I'm worried he still thinks I am that kid. I'm even more worried despite my efforts that he's right.